Monday, July 11, 2016

Misandry Myth Monday: The Friendzone

Come to me, child, and allow me to embrace you while I wipe away your sad little man tears and I drop a serious knowledge bomb on you.


I know, it's hard to believe, after all, you still pine for that fair maiden who doth open her friendly arms to you, but is yet too frigid to open her legs to you. Well, that's your own goddamn fault for a myriad of reasons:

No one can PUT YOU in the "friend zone." First, because it's not real. Second, because you're a grown-ass man and no one can PUT YOU anywhere. I've heard so many men say things like, "She put me in the Friend Zone! She keeps leading me on and making it seem like there's a chance for us, but she always tells me I'm just a friend." Ok. Dude. Seriously. Let's pretend this is actually true. Let's pretend she really is leading you on and it's not just your imagination projected onto her actions. Let's pretend she kinda gets off on you pining away for her and keeps you around like a dick in a glass case BREAK IN CASE OF EMERGENCY. That would be a serious twat move, so why do you even like this woman? That's just mean. Why would you like somebody who's mean? Forget her. She's not even worth being your friend if that's the kind of person she really is. Also, that's probably not the kind of person she really is. She probably isn't leading you on. You're probably misinterpreting good manners. Just because someone doesn't treat you with complete disdain does not mean she's leading you on. I won't say it's impossible she's leading you on just for fun, but it's unlikely.

A woman can't force you to be her friend or pay attention to her pine away for her. At what point did any woman you had a crush on force you at gunpoint to hang out with her? At what point did she put a gun to your head and demand you pine away for her? I'm thinking sometime around NEVER was when that happened. I get it. You want to be a "good person" and you don't want to kill your frienship just because you have romantic feelings that can't be fulfilled. It's not easy....BUT, you have to take care of yourself first. If you can't handle a friendship with someone you're attracted to, don't be their friend. They can't make you. It's completely ok. Society has lied to you a lot and one of the many lies they've told you is that you're just supposed to put your feelings aside and be a "big boy." They don't take into consideration that you actually have feelings and that it's REALLY FUCKING HARD to just wish those feelings away. Actually, it's usually impossible....but society is fucking dumb. This is the same society that tells you that the "grown up" thing to do is to be friends with all of your exes. Well what if all of your exes were total douche canoes? It puts a huge, unnecessary burden on the injured to demand they be "mature" and be friends with the one who broke their heart. Don't believe the stupid lies society tells you. Be straight with her and tell her that you can't be friends with her because you can't put aside your romantic feelings for her. Don't hang around like a lost puppy, hoping she'll adopt you. Get on with your life. If she can't respect that your feelings for her make your friendship too hard, then she's probably an asshole anyway and you shouldn't be into her. Maybe in three years when you've moved on, you can be friends. Maybe.

If the friend zone exists, then so does the girlfriend zone and it's just as hated. What's the girlfriend zone? This is a zone where you keep putting your female friends, misguidedly thinking that one day they'll see the light, realize you've been the man of their dreams all along, and start blowing you daily. This place is fictional. Again, no one can make you like a woman and no woman has to keep you around if you creep her out, but it does bring to mind an important point. You are NOT a good friend to this woman if you keep trying to manipulate her into liking you. Nothing you do will really be because you're a good friend. It will be in hopes that she'll suddenly love you or whatever. She won't. Stop expecting this to happen. If you can't be a real friend to her, don't be any kind of friend to her.

You're probably not really the nice guy that you've convinced yourself you are. People who are actually nice undertand boundaries. People are actually nice value friendship. People who are actually nice don't think of anyone's friendship a punishment for not being swole...or...whatever it is you think women dig (which is most likely also incorrect). People who are actually nice don't expect sex as a reward for being nice. People who are actually nice don't expect any kind of reward for being nice. It can sometimes be frustrating when you do nice things for people and they never return the favor. Well, then don't do nice things. If you're doing nice things only because you hope someone else will do nice things for you, I've got news for you: Karma is made up.

Why am I telling you this? Well, it's not because I hate all men and love to bathe in their tears....okay, maybe once in a while....but it's because I see men who are sad and hurt and confused because they buy into the lies they were told. I'm on your side, man. I'm trying to help. Help me help you. There is no friend zone. There is only your warped psyche. *IT* is most likely your enemy, not women, not feminists, not me, not that woman who put you in the friend zone where the unicorns and leprechauns also live. Grow up. Take care of yourself first. Stop blaming everyone else. Go find someone else to hang out with. Trust me, your life will be better for it.

As real as the Twilight Zone.

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