Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Google is making you a jerk

I love Google. I really do. It's an amazing tool. It helps me nearly every day. Not only that, but from what I can gather, it's a company the treats its workers VERY well, a concept that has gone the way of the dinosaurs....but, unfortunately, it has turned people into jerks. People won't even TALK to you anymore. You ask them anything they tell you, "Google it yourself...gah, how lazy are you?"

They will even do this when you're asking them to recommend you something, "Hey, didn't you tell me you were using a diet website? I might like to try that. Which one do you recommend?"

The answer will be, "Well, here (link) and (link) and (link)....these are just what I pulled up from Google."

Fuck you, I want YOUR recommendations, not Google's! Besides, just because something is popular doesn't mean it's the best or that it works for you or that it will work for me. Worse, they insinuate that you're lazy for daring to ASK THEM A QUESTION. Yeah, *I* am lazy when you could have just said, " what I use." How hard would it have been to just tell me your opinion? It would have taken you MUCH less time to just tell me what you think than to go out of your way to Google something and tell me about stuff you haven't even tried just so you can call me lazy. I reiterate, fuck you.

Or, maybe you'll be in the middle of a conversation and some dickwad who was your friend at some point, but you can't seem to remember when or why, has to interrupt you by googling something that's only slightly relevant. Like, maybe you're talking about even though "Heart of Glass" was one of Blondie's biggest hits, most of their other songs are pretty punk-ish. They'll whip out their "smart" phones so they can use shit they found on Google to interrupt you like, "Ooooh, did you know Debbie Harry was born in 1945?"

What the--


Were we talking about that? Is that tidbit really contributing anything to the conversation? Did you really have to interrupt me with that? Did you really have to sidetrack the conversation? Hell, you're lucky if what they interrupt you with is that relevant.

It's put a lot of us in a constant state of non sequitur and it's getting OLD. If you didn't have you "smart" phone, which only serves to point out how dumb you are, would you even be capable of a conversation? What did you do BEFORE you had a "smart" phone? Were you just the dullest, most vapid person ever?

....or were you a much better person because you actually paid attention to someone who was talking to you, actually listened to them, actually told them what you think, and actually carried on a decent conversation without literally itching to grab an encyclopedia to screw up the flow of the conversation every second of the day?

If terrifies me that there are people that have already been born that never have and never will know what it is to go without a smart phone. They can't even imagine life before Google. Ew, you mean people used to TALK to each other without their phones? MY GOD, MAN, HOW WAS IT POSSIBLE?! DO YOU HAVE... um....-whips out phone to google the word she wants- ARCHEOLOGICAL EVIDENCE OF THIS?! Wow, our ancestors really endured unimaginable hardships.....I'm glad we evolved to use Google.

It's not that I think smart phones are bad or that Google is bad. Google doesn't make jerks. People do. Smart phones and Google SHOULD BE wonderful, useful tools. If you're lost in the middle of the Yakuza area of Tokyo, it might be good to use Google Maps so you can figure out how to get the fuck out of there. If you're out with friends and you guys get hungry and decide to grab lunch somewhere and you happen to have celiac, it might be good to find a restaurant within walking distance that has gluten free choices. If that restaurant's choices turned out NOT to be gluten free, it might be good to look up quick remedies for diarrhea.

But no....people just use their smart phones to take pictures of their balls and use they Google to fuck up conversations. Worse, they think it makes them look smart! "Ha, ha, I looked something up on my phone that I totally didn't know before and I told it to you....and you didn't, so I'm smarter than you!" If you were smarter than me, you wouldn't need your goddamn phone to tell you so!

You: Siri, is Katie smarter than me?
Siri: If you are asking me, then yes. 

There, mystery solved....and you would have gotten away with it if it weren't for that pesky Siri.

I really would like to say, "Screw those ass munchers. There are plenty of good people out there that are capable of not being tits," but those people are going extinct and I'm pretty fucked off about it.

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