Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The B word

I am not conventionally attractive, even at my best. I am not seeking an argument for this, so keep your comments about my looks to yourself. The fact remains, I am not 5'10'', blonde, and 110 lbs. That is what everyone finds attractive these days. I am also not seeking an argument for this. Besides, anyone who denies that this is the preferred look is kidding themselves.

Provided, I guess I could change how I look. I could start saving money for several major cosmetic and reconstructive surgeries, including liposuction, a breast reduction, a nose job, a face lift, facial reshaping, and bone lengthening, but should I really have to do all that just so that I won't be treated like roadkill?

Anyway, so I'm not the ideal woman physically and I never will be. I am not okay with that. I am "supposed" to be okay with that. I WOULD be okay with that if everyone else on the planet were okay with that. They're not and they illustrate it constantly.

I can't even count how many times or with how many people the following thing has happened to me, but rather often, I'll be talking to a guy, and it won't necessarily be in a flirtatious manner...sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't...and a woman who DOES fit the previous description or at least something close to it enters the room. The guy will literally walk away from me, while I'm mid-sentence, without even excusing himself, to run over to her, lavish attention upon her, and act like I was never even there....and it works because nonexistent is how I usually end up feeling.

Rude, right? I'm not crazy for thinking that's incredibly rude, am I? You don't just walk away from someone in the middle of a conversation, at least without excusing yourself, I don't care if Jesus Christ just showed up. However, it happens to me just about every time I go out and do something social. The last time this happened to me, I decided I would be bold and say, "Excuse me, I was right in the middle of a sentence."

It got me nowhere. Both of them completely ignored me and I knew damn well that they heard me.

To add insult to injury, I see the aforementioned folks every Sunday. Dancing is one of my hobbies and a place I'm taking classes and dancing socially is where it happened. It happened a few times before I said anything, figuring whichever guy was just excited to see his friend. Of course, I realized that no one ever interrupted a sentence with anyone else to jump up and greet and flirt with me and that these people barely waved at me. After that realization, I kept trying not to take it personally, but it's impossible because it is personal. So, I don't go anywhere near that group of assholes anymore......and I end up sitting by myself. So much for "their loss."

I know it's all physically based as well. Folks that don't dance might not be aware, but you don't always get to know people you dance with. You might "know" them for years and yet know nothing about them. The environment isn't always conducive to talking and since you see each other there once a week or so, a lot of people don't socialize with the same folks outside of dancing. Such is the case with myself and this crowd.

This is all extremely hurtful to me. THEY are rude. THEY are assholes. THEY treat me like I don't matter....but THEY are happy hanging out together, having a good time, and having absolutely no concern for me or for the fact they're assholes. I, on the other hand, get to sit alone and try to avoid a good quarter of the folks there. Have I mentioned that before, I used to dance with these folks and since I commented on their rudeness, not a single one of them has so much as smiled or waved or done anything that says, "I acknowledge your presnce?"

I honestly don't know how I'm expected NOT to be hurt and angered by this....but since I am, I not only have to be hurt, but also insulted. I'm just "bitter," apparently. If "bitter" means "doesn't appreciate being treated like garbage," then, FUCK YEAH, I'M BITTER AS HELL, GODDAMMIT!

Unfortunately, it doesn't. What bitter really means is, "I don't care about you or what you think, so I'm going to try to make you seem like you're flawed in some way so I don't have to realize what a prick I am." So, in their minds, the problem isn't that I am being treated like trash. The problem is that I care and I'm not happy about it.

See, if I weren't "bitter," I'd accept 100% that I am just a lesser human being and I would be okay with that. I'd know that when a pretty woman walks into the room, I might as well go sit in the corner....and be okay with the fact that I don't matter. I'll just sit back and accept it because, after all, I'm not a conventionally attractive woman, so I should know my place in society is at the feet of the beautiful.....protesting it is "bitterness," and if I weren't already undesirable, being "bitter" would make me so...but since I already am undesirable, being "bitter" isn't doing me any favors....because then I'd get treated even worse...then I'd be even more "bitter."

See, it's all my fault for "having the wrong outlook!" You know...the insane outlook that says, "People all deserve to be treated with a certain level of respect no matter how they look on the outside." Goddamn, what a bitter old hag I am for that!

So, by that definition, I'm glad to be bitter.

Sadly, I know the vast majority of readers are going to turn this all into my fault somehow. It's not the assholes' fault that they're assholes. It's my fault because I somehow "let" them be assholes. Well, fuck you then. Pin It

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